she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
And then he peed in my hair
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