I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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