I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
