U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
