I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
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