she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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