im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Randomize
