You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
