Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
