Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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