Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
