My liver just broke up with me...
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
