Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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