i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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