you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
