The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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