You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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