If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
