My sheets look like a crime scene.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
