my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
