Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
