god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
