just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
