I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
