I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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