I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
