OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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