I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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