I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
