Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
