I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
