the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
