omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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