you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
