you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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