I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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