I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
