I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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