When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
