I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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