she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
