I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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