And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
