I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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