I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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