you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
