he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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