Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
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you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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