she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
