i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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