I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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