i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
