It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
