At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
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I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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