I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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