dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
