why im i the only drunk person in the library?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
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All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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