Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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