haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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