i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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